The Organ Grinder’s Monkey

Here’s a quick tip to my readers: If you’re doing what I’m about to describe…STOP IT RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!

You see, I get these emails from this guy I’ll call Eeyore, for reasons that will quickly become clear. I bought something from Eeyore a while back. It’s a service, not a product, so I keep on his subscribers list to make sure I’m aware of any changes to the service that I need to know about. In the meantime, however, that means I end up getting all of Eeyore’s marketing emails. Which is fair enough.

But here’s what is driving me nuts: Eeyore won’t stop complaining.

I don’t know where he picked up his copywriting techniques (I’d hazard to say the Bitchenmohn Institute of Pain, but that’s just a guess), but every single one of his marketing messages are written about him and how horrible his life is because of his business.

For example, I’ve received emails from him whinging on about the crap he’s taking from his business partners for daring to offer me some amazing deal. Apparently, they had no intention of offering whatever the hell it was for such a DRASTIC DISCOUNT and to top it off, his early release of the product has so undercut their business that they’re furious and threatening to come after him. But he decided to take the bullet anyway and now he’s being hounded to the edge of hell and back by them for stealing all their profits…

Oh, for crying out loud. Does he really think we’re this stupid? If his business partners really were that pissed about his undercutting, he’d be in court or (depending on his business partners) feedin’ da fishes, not on his computer trying to sell me the damned thing.

And please God, don’t even get him started on how much of a pain in the ass it is to run his business. Apparently, we’re all to believe that running this business for our benefit is an enormous act of brave charity on his part, because apparently it’s making his life hell, costing him his health and, if it keeps on going like it is, probably slowing down the earth’s rotation so that he has more hours in the night to fret about his awful life and attracting rogue asteroids to his house.

A recent email blathered on about how he was soooo sorry, but he simply couldn’t add me to his roster of private consulting clients (not that I had asked him too, mind), because he was just too damned busy. He moans about how much work maintaining the business is. He whines about how much time it’s taking up and how that eats into his private client work. But no worries, I can buy some tutorials and stuff from this other guy (I’m assuming it’s an affiliate thing) that covers some of the same territory his private coaching would. But he just hates himself for not being able to help me himself (and yes, that’s pretty much an actual quote there).

Dude, seriously. Don’t sweat it. I reaaally wasn’t interested. I don’t know about you, but I’m certainly not going to be spending any of my hard-earned money being coached by a guy who sounds like Woody Allen after 5 years in Gitmo.

He sent another email a few days later because he got a flood of responses asking if he was retiring (maybe he did, maybe that’s just a marketing ploy, but I wouldn’t doubt it considering how depressed he sounded in his previous email). The subject of this email starts off by telling me not to be upset and that he really didn’t mean to do that…

Uh, I wasn’t upset. Really. In fact, I COULDN’T CARE LESS about you and your problems, you whiny bastard!!!

Jesus H. Christ on a kebab, if running this damned business is so damned horrible then just quit, will you, and leave us subscribers in peace with our purchases! I don’t want to hear about how awful your job is. I don’t want to hear how serving me is ruining your life. I don’t care if cutting the price is taking food out of the mouth of your wife and kids. And if that’s really the case, then you’re either an irresponsible ass or an incompetent boob. Neither option is helping you sell me anything, dude.

I would soooo unsubscribe in a heartbeat, but the service I bought does give me a lot of access to useful stuff at a decent rate and it is really important to me to know if that services changes in any way (new fees, changes in access, website moves, etc). So I stay on the line.

But damn. I don’t know what flaming arse-candle ever told Eeyore that this Masochistic Marketing approach was a good idea. But I’m telling you…if I ever find that copywriter of doom, his next “life is hell” email will actually be the God’s own truth. And I promise, I won’t feel the slightest bit sorry about it at all.

Tags: Bad Monkey! Business and Marketing Craptacularity //