The Organ Grinder’s Monkey

You think your job sucks. I swear, I keep looking for an Onion byline on this story. The more I read, the more whiskey-tango-foxtrot it gets:

PROVO, Utah — No one really disputes that Chad Hudgens was waterboarded outside a Provo office park last May 29, right before lunch, by his boss.

There is also general agreement that Hudgens volunteered for the “team-building exercise,” that he lay on his back with his head downhill, and that co-workers knelt on either side of him, pinning the young sales rep down while their supervisor poured water from a gallon jug over his nose and mouth.

And it’s widely acknowledged that the supervisor, Joshua Christopherson, then told the assembled sales team, whose numbers had been lagging: “You saw how hard Chad fought for air right there. I want you to go back inside and fight that hard to make sales.”

Yes, you read that right. In an attempt to spur the sales team into making more sales, this company waterboarded one of their own guys as a motivational exercise!

What makes this even more surreal (I would say funnier, but this is so far past funny and into downright disturbing that if my eyebrows go any higher, I’m going to end up with a permanent Klingon forehead crest) is that the company in question is a coaching company (warning, annoying flash intro) that makes success and leadership products.

And what makes it scarier is the sheer level of cluelessness involved. Because, see, the exercise wasn’t actually based on the waterboarding-as-torture, but was rather a misbegotten re-creation of student abuse perpetrated by Socrates. Now, I’m not even sure what part of holding someone’s head underwater as a motivational exercise made sense to the old Greek pederast himself, even allowing for differing cultural realities. But it’s unfathomable how anyone in this day and age of waterboarding scandal perma-reporting can look at Socrates’ actions and think, “Brilliant! Smithers, fetch me a bucket! It’s time for a little team building.”

Again, this would be frikkin hilarious…if it were a parody. The fact that it really happened is just…hell, I don’t even have the words for what it is. Terrifying. Sick. Twisted. Mind-boggling. Another nail in the coffin of my desire to never, ever work for anyone else, certainly, and yet another reason to avoiding any activity that smacks of team building.

What is funny, though, is reading the company’s About Us statement in light of the above “team-building” activity:

Prosper, Inc. provides executive-level coaching for individuals. Our mission is to provide our students with the education and hands-on experiences they need to achieve their personal and professional goals. We strive to make the road to personal achievement meaningful, rewarding, and enjoyable.

By understanding our business and by becoming sensitive to our world, we position ourselves to help others become leaders in an ever-changing marketplace. Our products and services are based on proven principles that, when applied, produce positive results in the lives of individuals and families.

Kinda like those games where you add “…under the bed” to the end of hymn titles. Heh, hands on experiences - in waterboarding! D’oh!

Seriously, Onion. Did you guys write this? C’mon, fess up. I won’t tell, I promise!

Tags: Bad Monkey! Business and Marketing Craptacularity, Business //